Some time ago, a friend came to me with a sad face to complain. Said the baby 8 months, usually own company is very busy, is to give aunt to take the child. Before I saw the baby only stick to aunt not stick to oneself, also think aunt with good, let oneself worry. But these two days she found herself a hug child, the child cried, to stretch out his hand enough aunt. Although it is a little trick, it is enough to make a mother’s heart ache.
Last month, another parent came to me and said that because she had a second child, she was too busy to come, so she took her 5-year-old son to her grandmother and concentrated on nursing her newly born little sister. Recently, it was found that her son always beat her sister, and her strength was quite heavy. She also beat her grandmother and did not listen to anyone.
As can be seen from the above two examples, if we fail to take good care of our children at the critical stage of the establishment of parent-child relationship, even if the children are still with us, they may have been alienated from us.
First, [milk is mother] is only the primary stage
Our children do not know who is their mother from the moment they are born, but with the mother’s breast-feeding, frequent communication, the mother’s body odor, voice, holding their own habits, and then gradually familiar with the face, they have the initial understanding of [mother].
During this period, a safe harbor will gradually form in the child’s heart, which is loaded with various perceptions of his mother. When strangers approach or pick up themselves, the child will wake up and begin to cry.
Therefore, there is a certain truth in the old saying that “milk is mother”. However, this is only the first step, and when the child grows up and his cognitive ability gradually improves, the psychological [mother] is just beginning to form.
Second, [separation anxiety] reflects who is the real [mother]
Generally, children will experience [separation anxiety] once during the two periods of 6-12 months and 2-5 years old respectively.
A 6-month-old child will choose the person who makes him feel safest to hug when he is in a bad mood or when he comes into contact with strangers, and others will cry when they hug him.
A 2-year-old child may begin to be very [clingy], clearly expressing the idea that he does not want his mother to go to work or that he does not want to go to kindergarten.
These are all signs of children’s separation anxiety! The person whose child is unwilling to leave is the person who really feels safe in his heart, or the real psychological [mother].
As can be seen from the above cases, it is obvious that the physical mother is not necessarily the psychological [mother] of the child.
No matter because of what’s objective reasons, if the child mistakenly regards the nanny and other elders as his psychological [mother], it is equivalent to that the child has been virtually [stolen] by them, even if the real mother is with the child every day!
Three, the [stolen] children may experience many [mother-child separation]
Perhaps many mothers will think, it doesn’t matter, as long as the child is by my side, there will be no problem when the child gets older.
This is very wrong! Because psychological confusion in the role of [mother] may have irreversible negative effects on children’s psychological development.
When children regard their aunts and other elders who take care of them as their psychological [mothers], they may rely on them very much and want to sleep with them, eat together, be held by them, etc.
These may seem irrelevant, but one day the child will leave these people to live alone with his real mother and father. At this time, the child’s young mind will experience a quiet and great change-the haze of mother-child separation.
In the second case mentioned above, Children even have to go through two [mother-child separation]: One was when my grandmother took me to raise me. The second time is to go back to her mother and leave her grandmother. The child may be angry with her grandmother and sister for separating herself from her mother, and when she gets used to her grandmother’s discipline, she will be confused about why she wants to go back to her mother. In the end, the child may not be able to tell who is her psychological [mother].
After leaving the child’s psychological [mother], On the surface, children are likely to have no warning, Or become irascible, or suddenly become more sensible and introverted. The degree of fluctuation and negative impact brought about by the separation of mother and child cannot be measured. It may be just a small stabbing pain, or it may be equivalent to a loss of mother in an early year. What to do depends on whether the parents’ coping methods during and after the separation are appropriate.
Four, seize the key points, keep the child’s heart
It is very likely that parents have realized the above problems, but they are unable to change the status quo. Work, a second child and other reasons force parents to make choices.
But in fact, there are always more methods than problems. Here are some methods to share, hoping that parents can know how to accompany their children more efficiently and not let their children be [stolen].
1. Dad Joins Support
The lack of father’s education makes many mothers unable to educate their children. Some mothers still have depression before or after childbirth, and due to the heavy pressure of work, it may be the choice of many mothers to give others to take care of their children.
Therefore, the father’s participation and support can not only give the mother strength, but also enable the child to rely on both parents at the same time, so that the child’s body and mind can develop in a more balanced way, which is beneficial but not harmful.
Don’t let your wife become a single mother with a husband.
2. Maintaining consistency in education
Educating children is the bounden duty of parents, but also a precious right. Other members of the family often deprive their children of the right to educate them in the name of love, competing to let their own educational ideas dominate their children’s education. Little imagine, the family’s support and respect for parents’ educational ideas can make children develop healthily.
Even if there are inconsistent educational concepts, we should also pay attention not to have fierce arguments in front of the children, otherwise the children will be at a loss.
3. Grasp the key points and accompany them efficiently.
Many parents may say that they really don’t have time. They are usually taken care of by their grandparents. What if they really can’t get away? It doesn’t matter, there are also ways to remedy and buffer:
Children aged 0 ~ 1:
(1) Feeding in person
You can feed your child at least once a day to establish your child’s breast-feeding dependence.
(2) Establishing a sense of ritual
Every day when you can go to work and go home, you should give your child a fixed sense of ceremony, such as kissing and hugging, to let your child know that people who are very important to you are leaving or going home.
(3) to share the room with the children
Try to let the last person your child sees before going to bed or the first person you see when you wake up at night is your parents, which will make your child feel more and more secure about your parents. Of course, it is not recommended to sleep in the same bed, but you can lean your baby’s small bed against your adult’s bed.
Children over 1 year old:
① Set a fixed time of company
Even if it is only half an hour or more than ten minutes, as long as you can accompany your child wholeheartedly and make him feel warm, your child will cherish it very much.
(2) Don’t be stingy with your expression of love
Every day when you leave the child or meet the child again, you should hug the child tightly, tell the child [I love you], and express your thoughts and love for the child bluntly.
(3) Complete some things with children,
For example, accompanying the child to complete a sand painting, cooking a meal together, camping together, etc. Completing a challenge together will establish a partnership of honor and disgrace with the child, enhance the image of parents and enhance the emotional link between parents and children in the process of helping the child.
Of course, nothing is absolute, Not to say that nannies and the elderly must not take care of children, but there are risks. The above-mentioned methods are to help parents reduce these risks as much as possible. And blindly giving their children to others to take care of, even if the children are around them every day, they may have been [stolen] by others.