As the saying goes, there are family rules in the family, and many parents like to say “no”, but can these “no” really stand the test of time and not contradict themselves?
After careful consideration, parents will find that many of their [cannot] are forbidden for the sake of prohibition. Not only are there no principles to follow, no memory, but also it is difficult to sum up important values. At this time, I am afraid we will have to examine our [principle] concept and make changes in due course.
Small example:
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When I went to the restaurant for dinner, my mother said, “Don’t wriggle around in your seat all the time. You are not a caterpillar.”
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When I went to the cinema to watch a movie, my father said, “After the movie starts, you can’t go to the toilet!” Do you want to go now? ]
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When wandering in the park, my mother said, “You can’t touch around. It’s dirty and you will get sick.”
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On the way to the bus, my mother said, “Don’t change seats at random. Just sit here. Don’t move.”
After parents stopped it aloud, some children obediently obeyed it, but their hearts were unwilling. Others directly rebel and turn into parent-child conflicts. No matter what kind of conflict, it has greatly affected the atmosphere and interest of the scene. In the long run, it is bound to affect the communication and good relationship between parents and children.
However, why [not]?
Can we adults really tell us a truth about what?
Is there a real reason, or is it just not pleasing to the eye?
Let’s look at parental prohibitions such as “Don’t move, twist or grope”. These [prohibitions] seem to be considerate of others, but in fact they are for your own convenience, hoping that your child will not disturb your activities or peace, or do not want to take any risks, or they are just “not pleasing to the eye”.
No one will admit that he is like this, but if you think about it carefully, we just feel [bad] about some things, but we can’t say what is wrong. In fact, this is subjective identification. To put it bluntly, it is [not pleasing to the eye].
These subjectively incorrect places are the [rule of thumb] that integrates everyone’s family background, previous education methods and their own personalities. This is probably what we used to call [family rules].
There is nothing wrong with family rules, but if the contents of family rules are not screened, they are densely dotted with [no], there are no principles to follow and there is no way to remember, and it is difficult to sum up important values, then the final result is:Children can’t absorb it, so they try it directly with behavior, so parents have to nag around every day.
Generally speaking, parents’ [cannot] are divided into three types.
The first is for your own convenience.
This is the most common category, especially parents who want their children to be clean and neat. As long as there is any possibility that they will get dirty or messed up, they cannot:
Don’t tread water, don’t climb around, don’t touch grass and flowers, don’t sit around and lie around…
Or if you want your child not to disturb you, say:
You can’t quarrel with your mother all the time, you can’t quarrel with your brother, you can’t quarrel to go out…
Just because we don’t like the results of these behaviors, we prohibit children’s right to play and try, which will make children lose many opportunities to understand their abilities, personalities and interests.
Solution: We might as well relax the standards or work harder, and these [cannot] will disappear.
The second is to look and feel for others.
This kind of [can’t] is mostly said to others.
This kind of temporary [can’t] most confuses children, such as can’t move around, can’t change seats, can’t laugh, can’t noisy aunts…
Although this kind of rhetoric is mixed with [no], it is more social rhetoric and expects others to recognize their upbringing.
Solution: If there is any need to adjust the child’s behavior in public, instructions or suggestions should be clearly given to help the child engage in other activities or divert attention, instead of just mouth-to-mouth discipline, because this will not only have no effect, but will also undermine the authority of parents to speak in the future.
The third is to solve your anxiety and worry.
If parents have bad experience in the past or are cautious and conservative in personality, they will hope that their children will not have any safety risks, such as:
Don’t get too close to the sea, don’t climb mountains, don’t touch hot soup, don’t go home too late…
Or upbringing anxiety:
Can’t always play, can’t not learn talent…
Solution: Past rules of thumb are indeed important. However, before giving orders, one may as well take into account the child’s personality and strengths.
For example, I am not good at outdoor activities, but maybe my child is physically coordinated and loves nature, so I can try to ask others to assist my child so as to avoid the restriction of my own experience on my child.
Will your [can’t] stand the test?
Examine what you often say [No]? Can we stand the test of time and not contradict ourselves?
For example, if we stipulate that our children [cannot] always play with electronic products, then even if we want our children to be quiet and not disturb themselves, we cannot take out the iPad to deal with our children. Otherwise, such [cannot] is for our own convenience and has no principles to speak of.
In our close groups, it is easy to amplify our opinions if we are not careful. Parents who meet on some occasions often hit it off because they have similar upbringing ideas and behaviors, virtually strengthening the original ideas and practices, while other voices cannot get in.
We need to keep an open perspective and an open attitude at all times, and even refer to opposing opinions to think for ourselves, so as to have the opportunity to give our children the most suitable upbringing method.
After reading the article, parents need to reflect:
- Calculate how many times do you say [no] (or similar meaning) in a day? There are policies at the top and countermeasures at the bottom. Think back, how did you deal with your parents before?
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