There are now two words in the parenting circle that are very pictorial: [free rearing] and [captive rearing].
Obviously, these are two completely different parenting concepts. Everyone has basically the same attitude towards [captivity] and has more or less criticism. However, the understanding of the concept of “free-range support” is quite different.
Today, I don’t want to give a definition to [free care] or simply criticize or support it. I just want to talk about some of my views when I saw the word.
Why are parents so tired?
Let’s look at a story first.
A pair of precious mothers and fathers are extremely excited about their newborn baby and want the child to be the happiest baby in the world: we have no other requirements for you, as long as you are happy to be yourself.
The baby began to speak and walk. Bao’s parents wanted to cultivate their children’s sense of autonomy and not suppress their nature. They didn’t want to cram-feed, so they taught their children to eat by themselves.
Children sometimes eat while playing, a meal can last for an hour or two, and the food is often spilled all over the house. Parents let the children, just follow the cleaning, the food is cold to help heat up.
In terms of play, they also fully respect the wishes of their children. If they want to play with what toys, they will take them and accompany them out if they want to go out. Sometimes the children are crazy and refuse to go home. They cannot bear to force the children to go home and can only wait anxiously and wearily.
Sleeping is a headache every day. Sometimes children have a lot of sex to play with. Bao’s parents can only remind them from time to time [whether it’s time to go to bed], and then accompany them until the children are tired and sleepy.
Bao’s parents have faint doubts in their hearts:
It is good for children to be happy, but why are we so tired? Sometimes when we respect our children’s nature, we seem unhappy ourselves.
When the baby went to kindergarten, the conflict became more intense. The teacher responded that the child’s behavior habits were not good and willful. The baby is not suitable for kindergarten life and refuses to go.
At first, Bao’s parents felt that the kindergarten did not match their parenting philosophy, but this was still the case after the kindergarten was changed.
What is wrong?
This pair of parents have the ultimate expectation for their children, that is, to be themselves happily. They see that [happiness] is very important and the children’s wishes are very important. This starting point is very good.
However, there is no way to expect this sentence. What the caregiver has experienced from his own growth experience is that [constraints and restrictions are unhappy and suppress nature], so he tries to make the child feel happy.
From the parents’ own point of view: the price is that the parents’ happiness is sacrificed, their wishes are ignored, and the means of managing their children are limited.
This picture is like not to put a [circle] on the child, but the parents put themselves in a [circle] and then run after the child’s wishes. It is really very hard.
For the child, he is destined to live in the restriction of natural rules and social norms. What the child wanted and wanted to do at that time was not necessarily beneficial to himself.
Parents need to establish rules for their children, cultivate good living habits, and use flexible, flexible and highly targeted [circles] one by one to avoid the direct collision between their children and the [circles] of natural and social rules.
From about two years old, children also begin to be at a critical stage from passive restraint to self-restraint.
Children need to have a certain space to experience their wishes. At the same time, they also need to transform their self-discipline ability through safe confrontation with the boundaries set by their parents over and over again.
So, self-discipline is what?
I will tell you [do what you want from your heart], but this may be too abstract, let’s make an analogy.
Some of the social realities we face, like the walls of our homes, limit where we can go and where we cannot go, or we will run into a wall. Sometimes, we get up in a daze in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, and often we can go to the toilet with our eyes closed without turning on the light and come back.
Because, where there is a wall, where there is a door, is already in our hearts, we have been very used to, can go to the place they need very freely.
[Free-range Cultivation] Should also Be Actively Cultivated
Let’s look at another story.
Bao’s parents watched other parents take their children to various early education classes, parent classes and interest classes. Their hearts did not agree with them and they thought it would be good for their children to develop naturally.
At ordinary times, they let their children play at home or take them to a nearby park.
However, when it comes to the interview for the promotion of young children to primary schools, the children’s examination results are very average, and a good school becomes a problem.
Moreover, when taking their children out with their colleagues and friends, Bao’s parents found that their babies were also inferior to other children in their ability to play. It was a bit difficult to follow and play, and the baby was a little depressed about it.
The backwardness in examination and quality has made Bao’s parents feel a little uneasy.
After going to primary school, the baby envied some talents of his classmates even more and asked to learn them voluntarily. Bao’s parents are very happy to be satisfied.
However, Bao’s parents found that they often enrolled in classes and bought a lot of related appliances. After learning several times, the children changed their interest and had to follow them to re-enroll in classes and re-purchase.
Looking at spending a lot of money and saving a lot of things in the family, but the children did not learn anything and were not really interested in anything, Bao’s parents began to worry about their children’s future.
[Free Raising] Should Be Raised This Way
The development of children’s abilities requires parents to consciously create opportunities to explore the world and set an example for their children.
Let me give a few examples of the so-called opportunities to explore the world:
- Take children to participate in rich and colorful activities to broaden their horizons and create more opportunities for children to interact with high-quality peers. Spend a lot of time and energy doing some activities with children to become an example that children can imitate and learn from. Through consultation and on-the-spot investigation to select some satisfactory educational institutions, one can supplement one’s ability and energy. The development of children’s abilities also requires parents to take the initiative to invest, and to cultivate children’s autonomy in choosing and creating resources.
Let children learn to bear
Interest is the best teacher, but the cultivation of children’s willpower is also the key goal in the learning process.
When parents encourage their children’s interest, they also need to let their children bear the responsibility behind their free choice.
When children’s freshness passes and they encounter phased obstacles to learning, parents use [responsibility] to ask their children to persist, which is also one of the processes of training children to develop from heteronomy to self-discipline.
Many modern parents have attached great importance to giving their children happiness and freedom, which is a great progress. However, we also need to realize dialectically that freedom is supported by ability, at the cost of taking responsibility and at the boundary of social rules.
The earlier this training process is, the more parents’ active intervention is needed.
When children exercise certain choices and self-discipline ability, they can be given more choices. However, the child should also understand that he needs to bear greater responsibilities.
At this time, parents need to provide their children with a space to continue exercising and provide necessary guidance.
Conclusion
[Captivity] The problem lies not in the boundary, but in the scope of the boundary. If the scope is too small, children will not have sufficient room for development.
[Free-range support] does not mean that there is no boundary. It is also necessary to flexibly adjust and adhere to the scope of the boundary according to the development of children, so that even if the limit is only protection.
At the same time, [free-range support] does not mean that parents do not have to worry about training, but still need to actively restrain and provide [nutrition] at an early stage. When children have certain ability to express and realize their wishes, it is good to provide children with sufficient space for activities.