Lele is a very good baby and will never compete with others for toys. When other children ask him for toys, he always gives them.
When he also wants to play, he always watches others playing with his toys eagerly and does not dare to come back.
At this time, my mother said that he was too [weak] and did not dare to do so, so she helped him get it back.
Although Lele took back her own toy, she was not happy.
Obviously, good children like Lele do not know how to refuse.
Children who do not know how to say [no] are unhappy. They can only watch their small objects be wanted by other children, but they dare not take the initiative to come back.
Even adults are not too embarrassed to say [no], how can we let children learn?
Today, we invited psychologist Qin Nan to tell us how to teach the baby to say what he refused.
As parents, we should not only teach our children to say “no”, but also return the right to say “no” to their children.
Children who will not refuse will turn the emotion that they should not bear into their own psychological burden, which will continue to ferment and become hotbeds of various problems in the future.
Why won’t the baby refuse?
First of all, the baby has no experience and skills to refuse others.
Secondly, in daily education, Many parents care too much about courtesy and virtue and will not deliberately teach their children how to refuse. Finally, they find that their children are clever and sensible, but they cannot even refuse some unreasonable demands. Most children are always in such a discourse environment as [your sister, let some younger brother say such words], and their psychology has a moral burden.
In addition, babies may be afraid of being left alone because they refuse to lose playmates.
In case of conflict, parents often say the words of refusal on their behalf, thus lacking the opportunity to exercise.
Over time, if you teach your child to be brave enough to refuse unreasonable demands from others, the child will eventually refuse to do so under excuses or excuses such as [I dare not], [I will not], [Mom, you can help me say it], [It’s okay, I don’t think it’s okay], etc.
How to teach children to say [no]?
1. Let children find out how they really feel.
The first step in refusing others is often to teach children to find out how they really feel.
For example, some children will always be [borrowed] something, but the children themselves mind but dare not say it. What parents need to do at this time is: affirm emotions-clarify feelings-find ways-actively try-encourage affirmation.
Affirmative emotion
Today, another child asked you to borrow your pencil. You don’t know what to do, do you?
Well, I’m a little scared.
Clarify one’s feelings
Well, Mom can see that you are a little scared, but I also can see that you don’t want your beloved pencil to leave you again, right?
Yes, I don’t want him to take away my pencil again. This is my favorite pencil!
Find a way
Can Mom tell you a way to help you solve the problem?
Okay, but I don’t know if I can do it. I’m afraid.
Active attempt
It doesn’t matter, mom knows you will be afraid, you just need to try it tomorrow… … …
If you are afraid to say it, you can not say it, then find the teacher and tell the teacher these words, ok?
Finally, after the child’s action, give affirmation
Advanced challenge, if parents can affirm his quality more, or tell him that this is very reasonable or appropriate to refuse others, I believe children will learn how to refuse others appropriately faster.
Many children actually lack the life experience of rejecting others in life, so before telling the method, it is better to affirm his emotional feelings such as [fear], [helplessness], [embarrassment], etc., which can directly affirm the children’s feelings.
If your child lacks courage, what parents need to do is to affirm emotions-clarify feelings-find ways-actively try-encourage affirmation. When appropriate, let the child seek help from outside to deal with emotional discomfort, such as asking the teacher to help. The point is to overcome emotional discomfort first.
If your child lacks the skills to refuse others, parents can: affirm emotions-clarify feelings-actively find ways-family drills. For children who lack skills, you can also simulate situations with your child at home so that the child can master this refusal skill or verbal skill.
It is worth noting that in the process of repeating, you must remember that what you need to repeat is a drill of skills, not a realistic repeat of that emotional environment.
2. It is better to be direct than graceful and restrained.
Sometimes, when some children are thin-skinned and unwilling or embarrassed to refuse others, it is better to teach the children to give the reason for refusing directly.
For example, [this is my favorite toy and I can’t lend it to you] or [everything I lent you last time is broken, I don’t want to lend it to you this time].
Of course, this kind of situation is usually the reason why both parties can approve, but to tell the baby, direct rejection does not mean that you can say some hurtful words without scruple.
4. Learning to discuss can solve many problems.
Teach your child to discuss and solve problems. For example, you can teach your baby to refuse in the tone of “I haven’t played well yet, can I do it in half an hour?”
5. Learn to delay agreeing to other people’s requests
Learn to use such words as [I’ll think about it], [I’ll see it again], [Can I think about it and tell you later], [Not yet, can I take another day].
In fact, the baby can learn to understand other people’s intentions from the process of postponing other people’s requests, which indirectly cultivates the baby’s emotional intelligence.
6. Let the child finish the action of saying no by himself.
In fact, many children already have the ability to deal with problems in life independently, so parents do not need to help their children to replace them and solve problems for their children. Even if children’s problems cannot be solved by themselves, they should seek help from their parents. Parents should also give priority to guidance and help as a supplement to encourage children to complete independently.
Learning to refuse can help children better understand themselves.
Every time you say [no], it is actually a description and definition of your child’s sense of boundary.
Saying [No] can help children build up self-esteem and even help them learn to protect themselves.
For children between the ages of 1 and 2, they are establishing their own boundaries of ownership of objects and spaces through [declarations] such as [toys are mine] and [this place is mine].
For older children, learning to refuse can help children build up their feelings about themselves. Babies can learn self-esteem and self-love by making decisions about themselves.
Don’t underestimate this little sense of boundary, which is the prerequisite for healthy self-esteem.
Learn to say that children cannot be allowed not to rudely think that everything they like belongs to them, nor to humbly think that everything they have should be shared, nor to force others to do everything, nor to wronged themselves to promise everything.
All this originated from the clear-cut sense of self established by children after they learned to refuse.
Not only children, many people do not know how to say no to one thing in adulthood. Therefore, it is better to slowly teach children to learn to refuse now, so that children can build up self-esteem and spend their childhood happier.
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