My father criticizes me every day, my mother is good, and what is willing to listen to me.
In this case, I believe you are no stranger.
Our generation, when educating its children, unconsciously enters the [human setting] set for itself: a stern father and a gentle mother.
I always feel that this can maintain authority and intimacy in front of children. When dealing with specific problems, there is also a clear division of labor between [red face] and [white face].
More importantly, children often eat this set. After [red face] [white face] take turns to play, children seem to become obedient.
But is this kind of education really good? Is the child really convinced?
[Children must have a person who is afraid! ]
The neighbor’s husband and wife have recently made worries about their daughter’s piano study.
After all, practicing piano is boring. Even if you have talent, the child will be inert, lose his temper and be forced hard. No matter what you say, she just won’t cooperate.
According to the couple’s view, the child does not understand and can lose his temper, but Qin still needs to continue to practice and good talent cannot be wasted.
In order to let the children cooperate well, the couple struggled to talk, but the children did not buy it at all. As a last resort, the couple disguised themselves as red and white faces.
Whenever a child doesn’t want to practice piano, his father wrinkles his eyebrows and looks straight down, giving the child a criticism: from fierce competition to inability to persevere, from wasting money to not understanding his parents…
The child was wronged and guilty by what he said. At this moment, the mother whispered softly and gently:
Mom knows you are working hard… … …
Mom understands that you have worked very hard… … …
Dad is also for hello…
In the end, there will be some small bribes [to take you to eat ice cream after class].
Although the daughter was still reluctant, she had to enter the piano room with a heavy heart.
The couple thought this move was very useful and thought that [the child must have a person who is afraid! ], so that when she is out of control, she can use the authority of her parents to make her obedient.
There are not a few parents around who have this view. If their children do not obey, they will use their [red and white faces] killer to force their children into submission.
But is this kind of discipline really good?
[Red and White Face] Seemingly Effective, but in fact Hidden Harm
1. It is not conducive to the establishment and implementation of rules.
Parents dress up as red and white faces, mostly because their children do not obey and do not abide by the rules of daily life. For example, they go to bed too late, do not want to brush their teeth, eat too many snacks…
However, in the process of singing red and white faces, parents seldom emphasize the rules themselves.
Always use [your mother is disappointed like you] [other children can, why can’t you? [These rules are imposed on children.
The child violated the rules, and we need to discuss it on a case-by-case basis:
Is the rules unreasonable?
Or do children not realize the importance of the rules?
The rambling evaluation of the child will only make him ignore the rules themselves and feel forced to submit.
2. Make the roles of parents rigid and fixed.
The role of either parent should be plump and three-dimensional for the child.
A simple [strict] father and a simple [loving] mother are not qualified parents.
Some families like to sing red and white faces frequently in front of their children in a fixed identity-father will always be white and mother will always be red.
This kind of behavior, it is easy for children to have such rigid cognition as [father just thinks I am useless].
In the long run, the parent-child relationship will suffer irreversible damage.
3. Make children have emotional problems,
For children, rapidly experiencing the bipolar reversal of negative evaluation and positive evaluation is easy to produce rapid emotional transformation.
One second ago, my father said I was crying, and the next second I was picked up by my mother to appease me [stop crying, stop crying].
For an adult, the ups and downs of emotions cannot be well handled, especially for children.
If the negative emotions cannot be well relieved, they will be coaxed and tricked to carry out the parents’ requirements, and the inner [knot] will never be opened.
With such emotions for a long time, children will become more and more closed and feel that they cannot be understood by their parents.
4. Weakening Children’s Security
No matter who the parents are, they will inevitably give their children a lot of negative comments and definitions.
When criticizing our children, our Chinese parents often want to stimulate their children and make them have a mentality of “knowing shame and then being brave”, which leads to a lot of words that inevitably lay particular stress on them.
In this way, children will naturally encounter challenges in self-identification.
Even if criticism is followed by appeasement, it does not actually neutralize the previous injuries well.
Children’s own sense of security and self-identity will be difficult to maintain.
[Red and White Face] Is the Essence of Education what?
Parents’ chorus [red and white faces] is actually a disguised form of carrot and stick.
If the child does not obey, let him go, criticize him first, and then give him some benefits, then the child can be manipulated by the parents.
Why does this method work repeatedly? After experiencing fear, children are easily [stunned]
In this case, if someone comes to appease himself, the child tends to rely on this source of appeasement.
In order to firmly grasp this source of appeasement, one will show more obedience.
In this process, the rules themselves are ignored, and parents use their children’s fears to achieve the goal of [making children obedient].
Education should be a process of making children understand the truth. If the strategy of “red and white faces” is frequently used in order to achieve immediate results, it is actually parents’ laziness in education.
The sense of authority should not be achieved by [playing the white face].
More importantly, children should see the power of role models through their parents’ behaviors, words and deeds, and spontaneously generate them from the heart.
Nor should intimacy be achieved through [playing the red face]. Comfort and compromise should not be confused. Intimacy created by ignoring rules is tantamount to setting obstacles for future education and cannot bring healthy intimacy.
In the process of a child’s growth, parents need to constantly revise his behavior and polish the way of education.
No what method is omnipotent, let alone what’s method.
What parents can do is to constantly [try and make mistakes] with their children and find a balance point in education.
In this process, don’t let the wrong education methods cause psychological harm to children.