As a specially trained psychologist and mother of two children, I am proud to say: I am not [perfect mother] and I am not interested in being [perfect mother].
Dabao was born at that time, After a year of careful companionship, Instead of quitting to be a stay-at-home mom, I didn’t always play with them all the time on weekends, nor did I spend my time focusing on things I wasn’t interested in, such as cooking. Instead, I focused on my own career development that I was more interested in. Now that Erbao was born for a few months, the maternity leave is coming to an end, and I will return to work as usual.
I will try my best to stabilize my mood, and there are times when my anger suddenly rises. I will also have different opinions with the elderly in my family on child-rearing, and conflicts of views occur every day. I will also be lazy, just supplement food to ensure nutrition, definitely not pursue fine.
I know that the emotions that come out can be digested in a positive way. I turn a blind eye to most conflicts of views because they are not [fatal]; I keep the cost of ensuring children’s health as low as possible, but this is only the bottom line of laziness.
You see, I am not anxious or [trying]. To me, [children] are only an important part of life. I am definitely not a [perfect mother], but I am very satisfied. I think being a [almost mother] is enough.
What the child needs is what?
Children at different stages need different things from their parents.
When a baby is very young, he needs his parents the most, but what he wants is also the simplest: he can eat and sleep comfortably, which is enough.
When they grow up, they can climb and walk. They begin to want the attention of their mother and father, new toys and enough space for activities.
When they are older, they can talk and communicate. What they want is delicious, fun, interesting games and interesting partners, which are understood and accepted…….
To sum up, there are mainly the following three aspects:
1. Care
Including physical care such as eating, wearing warm clothes, bandaging injuries, going to see a doctor when sick, going to dental examination regularly, and emotional care such as crying, comforting injuries, comforting grievances, etc.
(Tip: [appeasement] and [coaxing] are not the same. Appeasement is hugging and accompanying, so that the child gradually calms down. Coax is to make a condition to the child: if you don’t cry/stop making noise, I will……)
2. Provide [security]
Security is not a real thing. Parents need to provide many details. For example, a fixed place to live, enough food, always responding to children’s requests for attention and affirmation in a timely manner, and even if children make mistakes, they will not say such words as “I don’t love you” and “I don’t want you”, etc.
3. Provision of educational opportunities
At the age of 0 ~ 3, children’s learning ability is very, very strong. According to their own economic ability, it is very important to provide children with interesting picture books, toys, opportunities to play with small partners, opportunities to learn oral language, etc.
To do these three things well, you don’t need to be a [perfect mother] or a [perfect father]. As long as you have a certain financial ability and hold the attention and care for your children, it won’t be too difficult for anyone.
So, have you seriously considered whether the image of “perfect mother” is just your need?
Don’t be [perfect mother]
Allow me to outline the image of a [perfect mother] with my own observation, and then tell you the harm of doing so.
1. Children are all I have
One of the motives for many stay-at-home mothers to resign and go home is [I want to give everything I have to my children and this family].
If you think so too, please be cautious and consider it purely for the sake of children. On the one hand, economic issues are a realistic consideration. On the other hand, your role demonstration will have a profound impact on children.
One of my visitors once commented on her mother like this: I really don’t know, after I went to school and my father went to work, she had what things to do at home. In the eyes of the children, her mother was a [idle stay-at-home mother].
2. I’m not angry, I’m not sad
I mentioned earlier that I will [stabilize my emotions], but note that this is essentially different from [suppressing my emotions].
Through a lot of exercises, I make my mood less vulnerable to interference, which is stable. In order to show the [good] side in front of the child and suppress feelings, although it does not show, you and the child can feel it.
There are many ways to stabilize emotions. I can teach you later. The evil consequence of suppressing emotions is that children are also depressed or have more behavioral problems, making it more difficult to suppress your emotions.
3. I am versatile and proud of my children.
After the children go to kindergarten, there will be a lot of [parents’ homework] waiting for us to finish well, and the children will inevitably complain about us. As a result, we may be depressed, blame ourselves and try to become the pride of our children.
In fact, if you don’t try to become the pride of your children, this is a good educational opportunity.
First, this is an opportunity to teach children the relationship between [external evaluation] and [self-worth]. Is it only [better than others “or] others say yes” that one should be proud of? This is a very worthwhile issue to discuss with children.
Second, this is an opportunity to teach children more confidence through demonstration. What mothers do is not well received? But my mother is very satisfied! Because…… When children see that external evaluation will not strongly hit their mothers, they will also imitate similar psychological elasticity.
Do you think it is more valuable to rush [to get better] or to let children know [not to be depressed about such things]?
Be [like a mother]
Come on, breathe a sigh of relief, lower your requirements and relax your expectations of life.
If your child is healthy at present, you will also provide him with various appropriate educational opportunities, and you love your child and the child is attached to you, then you have done well.
You have done a good job, but now there are some problems and you need to find some practical solutions.
What we need to do now is to find the right question and then find the answer to it.
[Becoming perfect] is not the answer to all questions.