You are very busy in front of the computer.
The child took your arm: Mom, I want to see the computer.
[Mom is working, can you play by yourself first? ]
The child did not listen to climb up your leg and pressed your keyboard with his hand… … …
[I said don’t move! You don’t understand or something! Get out of here! ]
The child cried, and you kicked the child out of the room.
After a few minutes, I calmed down and couldn’t help looking at the children at the door.
She sobbed on the sofa with her small body on her back, and you were extremely upset: you agreed not to yell at the child, why didn’t you refrain this time…
We all know that we should not yell at our children. We have told ourselves countless times, but we still cannot control ourselves every time.
As soon as the anger comes up, the theories of happy parenting and intimate parenting, which are memorized backwards, are all forgotten, and when they calm down, they begin to regret.
After all, if we want not to lose our temper with our children, we must first find out whether what makes us look like a little fire.
Today, Dr. Clove invited Mr. Tang Wei, a parenting research consultant, to tell us that how can not be emotional in parenting.
We lost control of our emotions, is it really because the child did something wrong?
Because the child is disobedient.
This reason seems to be taken for granted, because children’s various disobedience will make them unbearable and explode in situ.
But is this really the case? Let’s do a small experiment first, one piece of paper and one pen, and write down the scene of getting angry with Eva.
Scene 1:
During dinner time, the child sat at the dining table looking left and right, saying that he did not move the spoon for half a day. Finally, you couldn’t help getting angry. The child only stuffed rice into his mouth with Nuo Nuo in your roar… When the child [stuffed the rice], you remembered that Grandpa had just drunk a large bottle of yogurt for the child outside for an hour…
In this scene, the child’s failure to eat is not [deliberately opposing his mother], because he is not hungry, and it is not the child’s fault to give the child yogurt, but Grandpa’s doting.
Scene 2:
Take the child to take a taxi and go out to play. The child sang loudly in the back seat of the taxi. You said lightly [stop making noise]. On the way, you suddenly received a phone call from the leader. You were criticized for your work mistakes. After the phone hung up, the child shouted and leaned in. You were angry from your heart and slapped the child’s ass [if you make any more noise, you will be thrown out of the car! ]
In this scene, the child has been making noises all the time. From the beginning, you have been ignoring the sudden to the later rage. In fact, it was because of that phone call that the leader criticized and shouted [with resentment]. Just at this time, the child was noisy, so you took advantage of the situation to vent on the baby.
In life, there are too many such examples.
We adults’ bad emotions may come from children, but most of them come from anger that we fail to achieve our wishes or chagrin that doing something wrong leads to bad results.
The child did not obey and did not eat, wasting several hours of hard work. The children’s car was noisy and noisy, showing that they were incompetent and did not discipline the children well…
Most of the time, when we vent these negative emotions, we often feel much better, but afterwards we will think and feel regretful or even guilty.
Why do children become the outlet of our emotions?
Clearly the fault is not the child, why can’t we help losing our temper with the child?
There is a kind of “cat kick effect” in psychology, which refers to the infection of bad emotions. That is to say, people’s dissatisfaction and bad mood will generally be transmitted along the social relationship chain composed of rank and strength: from the top of the pyramid to the bottom, and the weakest element with nowhere to vent will become the ultimate victim.
Although we say every day that children are the little sun in the heart of the whole family, sometimes we have to admit that in the family, children often become the outlet of adults’ emotions, children will not defend themselves, and they are more likely to become responsible and [doormat] for bad results.
Parents sometimes vent or pass on their bad emotions to their children consciously or unconsciously when they are in a bad mood. They may punish them in drastic ways on the grounds that their children have done something wrong. They may also have tried to communicate with their children. However, in the process of ineffective communication, they are gradually angered by their children’s [disobedience] and become furious.
Parents who are easily out of control will raise children in how?
If you face the anger of the closest people for a long time, the child will bear great pressure, which may lead to physical discomfort, evasive or destructive behaviors, emotional disorders or negative personalities of the child for a long time.
As for the mother’s anger, the child actually can’t think of so much, not [listening] to what you say, but [watching] what you do.
In the long run, emotional parenting will generally have two effects on children:
1. Be swayed by considerations of gain and loss and feel insecure.
When discipline is out of control, children’s mood is usually uneasy, scared and confused, because they do not understand why adults suddenly lose their temper.
The child is not hungry and is forced to eat by his mother. The child will think: Why does my mother have to force me to eat? My stomach is so miserable that I really can’t eat it. Don’t my mother know I feel miserable? Maybe, my mother doesn’t love me anymore… … …
The younger the child, the less he knows about adults, and the easier it is to blame himself for all the mistakes.
If children do not clarify these feelings and repair their relationship with adults, some children will be swayed by considerations of gain and loss, afraid that their parents will not love themselves, and begin to behave incomprehensively to adults. For example, some children choose to be clever and only rely on Nuo Nuo, believing that only in this way can their parents love him again. Others become irritable due to uncertainty. Others will use negative behaviors to test whether their parents still love him.
2. Full of doubts and unclear boundaries of rules,
The child was spanked by his mother when he was noisy in the car. The child would be confused. Why did his mother suddenly start to lose her temper when she was just talking well? Did I do something wrong? I really can’t guess… … …
At this time, is it the mother’s mood or the rules? Children will gradually have no boundaries of rules, and it is difficult to enjoy the sense of security brought by rules. When children grow up and find that it is not the rules that determine whether they [do wrong], but the mother’s mood, they will depend on the mother’s emotional response, or only [obey] in front of the mother, becoming more difficult to discipline.
Five ways to say goodbye to yourself who is out of control.
Since emotional parenting is not good for oneself and children, how can we effectively control ourselves and not let bad emotions control us?
Emotional control can be roughly divided into two types.
The first is emotional counseling before seeing the child, which is used to [pour out] the existing bad emotions.
1. Meditation: Through the three stages of meditation [body relaxation, breathing adjustment and focus], anxiety can be reduced, depression can be relieved, and negative emotions can be channeled.
2. Talk: It is especially effective for most mothers to reorganize the events and adjust negative emotions in the process by speaking out the experiences that make them unhappy.
The second is the emotional counseling in front of the child, which is used to control and counseling when facing the child’s [disobedience] and approaching the emotional explosion.
1. Leave for a short time: Tell the child’s mother that she is very angry and needs to calm down. Temporarily calm down in another room or outside the room. When the anger goes down, she can go back to the room to continue communicating with the child, which can effectively avoid her anger.
2. Substitution of care: If there are other adults in the family, you can temporarily replace them to communicate with the children, and continue to communicate with the children after you calm down.
When leaving and changing people, you can take deep breaths and count, do some repetitive work, retell the incident, and do some repetitive work (such as housework) and decompression exercises (such as running) to calm down first and then get along with your children.
3. Set [keyword] in advance: You can discuss a [keyword] with your family or children in advance. When you say this [keyword], you must stop forcibly.
For example, say to your child: whenever your mother is going to get angry, you ask her if you love me. This [do you love me] is the [key word], which can often pull you back to the rational area when your emotions are out of control or are out of control.
It is not easy to do without being influenced by bad emotions. The important thing is: don’t let emotions affect our way of discipline, let alone let emotions hurt children and ourselves.
If we lose control, please lower yourself and admit our mistakes.
I’m sorry, baby. My mother wants to apologize to you. My mother will no longer lose her temper. My mother will always love you.
Fortunately, no matter how you yell and blame your child, when you open your arms: come to the baby, give your mother a hug,
TA will burst into tears and smile, trotting into your arms.
Children are the only people you dare to offend but will not hate you.
He loves you more than you love him.